This article is completely unfair. Rohit, these are very complex questions, but I will do my best to answer as simply as I can. You bring up a very common theme in breakups with women who have traits of BPD. Everyone has arguments. Sex is not sought out for shared pleasure, but rather for the purpose of avoiding being alone. I would have given her the rest of my life without regard to her deteriorating physical appearance or any other superficial quality. Are you aware of any good materials (books) that cover bpd in women, in detail? I didnt mind. Throughout the majority of the movie, she pines for him, slipping into a deep depression. Because you live with BPD., Im recently diagnosed bpd.. But with BPD this severe you need support and guidance for yourself. 3. Looking back now this is one of the signs of BPD. Both nice-guy types and women with traits of BPD tend to believe that the other possesses the same natural skills and deficits. They lack the trust of even their closest loved ones and will often choose to separate from those trying to help them over facing the truth about their behavior. This sadistic, pathological liar had a very intelligent, handsome and caring man practically eating from the palm of her hand and simply pissed all over it. I have experienced all kinds of abuse, including physical. I have recently been using te Nicola method with some success. Our goal is to provide a show that offers hope and help to you or your loved ones with BPD and to answer big questions that others in the field are too scared to answer. He gets very angry and blames me for everything wrong in his life. She has lied a lot and said she went doctors and he said nothing wrong!! Seriously, it helped me immensely to get over a three year relationship with a BPD woman. Ive seen 4 counselors in that time and continued to hope that things would get better. She can also switch back to being very loving and attentive. Granted we were both busy but its no excuse. A man in this position could simply learn how to not give unless the other person proves they are capable of giving back. Do you know how it feels? Im a little confused, however. The moral of this story is that the nice guy has to make the decision to end things and stick to it. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. ThoughAnakin Skywalker exhibitsmany classic symptoms of BPD,its important to highlight that having a diagnosis ofBPDdoesnt mean you are dangerous or will join the dark side.. Ive had so many problems turned around and falsly placed on me its not even funny, and when you havent reached a point to where your a little keen as to whats going on you actually think some of it may be your fault. I thought my wife would change because at 30 years old I was her first boyfriend. OK, since you cant take the credit for that, then you can take the credit for taking the time to put all this together for people like me. Just like there is a profile for the borderline personality type, there is also a profile for the kind of man that they often choose to partner with. Its like talking to a brick wall. Anytime I challenged her she would turn it back on me but i stuck by her until the last 2 weeks. Everyone knows this is not the case. Am I a complete fool? Folks who have BPD often are on medication to treat co-occurring mental illnesses like anxiety and depression, which may indirectly help BPD symptoms. In other words they dont discount the past history as much as they block it out. I had the courage when we returned to end things as I was no longer willing to put up with her behaviour and I deserved a whole lot better. Do you hear this a lot where these type of women offer to be friends? The Hot Crazy Matrix basically asks whether the same could be said for men being attracted to crazy women. The reason for the popularity of the HCM is because we have ourselves or known someone who has been in a turbulent relationship with someone who was emotionally unstable, and have been warned off of them by despairing friends and family who cannot understand why anyone would stay in the relationship, Blanchard said. Whether you can get visitation or share custody with your step-son may be a legal question, particularly if there is a biological father in the picture. In fact, most of the common derogatory responses we hear these days towards nice-guy types are a result of people being unable to override their instinctual feelings of disgust towards men who dont conform to the masculine ideal. On the other hand, you feature dialogue techniques that help to assuage the out-of-control emotions and thoughts that plague such relationships and that help to develop a sense of trust and security in the BPD partner. Thats what a women with BPD needs so stop making us feel like we arent worthy of love because we are just as worthy as you and this ridiculous article along with these truly pathetic and non-factual comments are part of the reason this mental health illness exists. In the disorder the woman is gentle and laughing with you. I accepted her apology and believed her. Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) suffer from unstable emotions and relationships. She will have complete belief in whatever emotional state she is in. BPD may affect female sufferers differently than males. Or in my case of leaving my casual BPD situation last week, she [an initially innocent waif borderline type] was making enthusiastic plans to see me one week but a combination of her mother suddenly taking badly ill on top of working hard and being stressed, tbf meant that the commitment of having to see me became the LAST thing she wanted to do! I understand your perspective of male behavior, but I disagree that all men are as you describe. Check out this article for confirmation of this assertion: https://ct.counseling.org/2022/10/not-a-monster-destigmatizing-borderline-personality-disorder/ In this episode, Jay and I discuss why and how pride and arrogance play a role in recovery, the strength found in humility, and what you can do to begin becoming a more humble person today. I think she is so wrapped up in her own world now and she just sees herself as thats who she is and nothing wrong with her. I was only made aware of this recently. It isnt surprising knowing what she went through growing up with such dysfunctional parents. Joanna Nicola is a consultant, developer of the Nicola Method for high conflict and author of The Nicola Method Workbook. She then accused me cus its all my fault, and we didnt go at all. Kara, I do not write about the disorder itself. The Nicola method and other similar techniques do work to lessen the conflict and pain. Thank you again. | S, it is very hard for anyone in your position to stay strong. When people use their emotional processing center their feelings are stronger than reality. The article above is very truthful. Why is this?? Staying longer will make it more difficult and painful to leave. Help!! The likelihoods of falling for a emotionally immature woman may be decreased significantly though. There are red flags to look for but please dont believe that we are all crazy psycho stalkers or abusive selfish destructive monsters. I felt bossed around all the time at her apartment with chores etc, felt like Im not a man anymore, seemed like everything I do is wrong or not the way she wants it. Girl, Interrupted, though one of the more well-known books or movies about mental illness, is certainly not the only popular representation of mental illness out there, but it has, maybe more so than others, resonated deeply with young women. It was time to leave. Were only a few months in, but so far, so good. Thank you for this important comment. I posted on one of your other posts about the fact that I have recently broken up a three year relationship with a person who checks all the boxes and then some for BPD. So should a real man in your opinion put up with all the push and pull of BPD partner, be unappreciated, always put someone else first, or deal with the splitting? So any inequity in the intensity of feelings can cause them to feel betrayed. Here is another example. You can lead a great life with a sensitive, intense, hyperbolic or any temperament for that matter with hard work, grit, endurance, tenacity, and the willingness to get uncomfortable. Shortly before breakup she told me that we should go back to the start cause we had lost respect for eachother what she meant was she had lost respect for me because she was cheating at this time but I didnt know or suspect..in hindsight perhaps I shoulda given her an ultimatum to shape up or ship out were are done now its been 16 months with 13 nc and she imeadiately entered into new relationship which appears to be going well he is a drinker like her and much wealthier than me plus they share mutual friends.. @50 Im fearful of dating plus have no idea where to start as I dont drink and over the bars and clubs, Im very lost and only feel marginally better than I did after the break. I hope more people read your site and I am recommending it to my dear friends. The Child welfare ministry removed him from the home for what was supposed to be a 3 month period, during which he was to stay with a family from his church community. I didnt argue with her as I knew that would make things worse. The fact is that these types of personality traits continue to reside within the population so they must be appealing to someone, otherwise these traits would go extinct, Blanchard told PsyPost. I just wish she could be the girl I met last year, they were such good times and I will treasure them forever. My heart tells me she didnt want this to happen but my head tells me she wouldnt have done this if she didnt want to. This was my main concern when marrying her. Selling a house can be detrimental when equity is low. A lot of shame and guilt. Again, from an evolutionary perspective we would expect this as men are not traditionally the primary caregiver and so the consequences are less severe in forming problematic relationships, Blanchard said. Although the nice-guy/borderline union in theory should work, in reality it is guaranteed to fail. Part of the recovery process from a breakup with a women who has traits of BPD is to recognize that these assets are valuable and should not be offered to those who are not equipped to give them back in return. Not because she is wrong, but because the disorder can make you feel very sensitive to hard truths. Certainly the use of alcohol is something that I would say does not belong in the mix if you seriously expect to make making progress. in fact, I did not become full bpd until age 26 when I had to give up my autistic children. Whether they develop into full blown BPD by the time that individual is an adult depends on many factors. Marriage is an agreement to be on your partners side, to be fair and loyal. Yeah, I didnt do everything right for sure, nobody does, but I deserved so much better. Also, do not look to the neighbors grass to see whether it is more greener than yours, instead, look at your own evolution over say 5 years time: are you more wiser? I'm the Mental Health Editor here at The Mighty. She is so insecure and so emotionally underdeveloped, she requires a lot of empathy but at the same time tough love. If your wife was vomiting all night from cancer chemo, yelling at you because of the terminal illness, would you feel the same and want to leave her? Nicola, a question for you. Its easier I think for BPD sufferers to live how they are because they fear something bad will happen. I wish I could point you to some useful books, but this is a very new area of study and people are only just beginning to understand what is behind this relationship dynamic. Thanks again for sharing such a detailed portrayal of the high conflict woman! Joanna, there is so much of my life that mirrors what you say. In order to work with a couple where the wife has BPD, she would need to be approached non-confrontationally, and the therapist would need to know how to move her from a dysregulated state into emotional regulation within the session. Mighty community member @clarence picked up on this aspect of Wreck-It Ralphs character in the sequel, Ralph Breaks the Internet., While the discussion ofmental healthis not explicit, Ralph exhibits attachment issues to Venelope, she wrote of the movie. This time around, I slighted her is some way and didnt even know I did it at the time. Thankyou for your reply. Your site is amazing and the best I have read on the subject of relationships with women with BPD traits. What she lacks is moral maturity. I spoke , gave and showed my love to her and I got all this in return. The mental illness is characterized by emotional instability and periods of depression and anxiety . I feel with all my heart I owed her these years to try. Because women with traits of BPD are not capable of withstanding any kind of betrayal, the nice-guy types ability to override selfish impulses and give to her consistently turns him into her perfect knight in shining armor. In Part 2 of this blog series you are going to learn that there are very specific reasons why women with traits of borderline personality disorder seem to attract a certain type of man and why these men so often cant let go of these troubled relationships.