difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

I feel frustrated at times because its in the past, gone, done & I want the recycling to stop but not sure how to make it stop. It just seems so crazy and inappropriate I dont know how it could be a genuine view. I have come a long way since then but I needed to finally put the fantasy in my head to rest once and for all so I texted him to ask if he wanted to catch up. A stronger immune system. Pleasewe need to remember not to treat men we are dating and potentially hurt them in precisely the same ways which have brought so many of us to places of terrible pain, regret and confusion. Lol, Grace! there is so much more to my current world of pain. Even knowing that wasnt enough for me, I apparently needed a hefty dose of agonizing pain before I finally had my fill and got burned so bad Ill never want to be in that pit again. You do not have to forgive someone to let something go and move forward with your own life. Ive seen him twice, at events, each time with his wife. All rights reserved. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface. And I cannot protect nor enable them from their shameful behaviour past and present. They dont even know why they do what they do but keep far far away from this toxic narc. It does get better with NC, really it does. I knew it was not a good situation for my snoopy nature. He wants your forgiveness, which he probably interprets as you being okay with what he did. The differences and similarities between "The Dog that Bit People" and "The Weather of New England" are easy to find throughout the story, and will be further dove into. Who hasn't been hurt by the actions or words of another? For some reason even though he said this and some other things that I found questionable, I am really drawn to him. This has been my biggest weakness! Dear Grace, Sparkle, courtney, Kit-Kat, Elgie R., and Mymble. No mother its you. We are not designed for serial monogamy or it wouldnt hurt so much when we break up. My feeling is that it really doesnt matter what race, color, or creed we are. Kudos to You! It would be easy to put myself under a load of pressure to try to do All The Things in the name of book promo, but my body said no to hoeing myself out.Instead, Ive had a lot of quiet time, a few super early nights where Ive been fast asleep by 9.30, and have put myself under strict orders to stop overloading my schedule. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. It beggars belief! He friended me on FB in Sept (seemed innocent enough Ive been to his house a few times), and just messaged me to suggest we go out. He disrespects women! Even the Bible says that we should freely forgive, but ONLY those who are repentant (i.e., are sorry for what theyve done and who DONT repeat the offending action). information is beneficial, we may combine your email and website usage information with I feel right about not replying to him. . I am filled with anger although we have very limited contact. I do look back and think what the hell was I thinking but I no longer beat myself up over it, it it as it is and my daughter now sees her independant mum back. Courtney,If I read CC right, big bang nerdy guy is not the bad guy here. So insensitive I just cant believe it. Improved self-esteem. In the saga of Sagittarius Hailey Bieber vs. Cancer queen Selena Gomez it's a battle of fire and water, hooves and claws complete with body shaming, eyebrow shading and social media slings and arrows. Once I sense a romantic partner is bad news, something changes inside and I cant be with them. So she knows whats really going on. Not that youre planning to be persuaded by him, but remember his wanting to be friends is code for sex. I just cant and wont do things from a place of anxiety because it wreaks havoc on my nervous system. The difference in these recent EUM situations I was in, is that I never got emotionally invested. I intend to have an amicable relationship with him, for their sake, but in my heart I do not forgive him for how he treated me. Check out these best-sellers and special offers on books and newsletters from Mayo Clinic Press. ), I still wanted to be accepted by them and every time in later life when I felt like an outsider it sort of tied back in to how I felt all of the time in high school. What if? Mommy I dont believe that you need to forgive him, thats something only you can decide. "If you find yourself avoiding someone you have previously been close to, reflect on what happened the last time you were together, or even further into the past," Habash said. NC is brilliant. Running upto women and then checking them out, the slurs, even in jest.dont you remember how many times many of us are told oh lighten up its just a JOKE ? Fortunately, I am was emotionally sober enough to realize that he was just trying to manipulate me into letting him do whatever he wants despite the torture it puts me through. I really like this guy. exceedingly fortunate I do NOT suffer mental illness. Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences. Forgiveness can lead to: Healthier relationships. I would not have been in contact with her this time, except that she was getting a hip replacement and my sister begged me to go to the hospital so she wouldnt have to be with mother alone. Trauma refers to your physical and emotional response to experiencing harm or violation. If youre praying for them, even in general terms, youre ACTING forgiveness and thats whats important. include protected health information. I hope you stick to your guns about distancing anyone who disrespected you. This content does not have an English version. (I was afraid they would turn against me). Thank you. Harboring a grudge When people hold a grudge, they stay in the victim role and perpet- uate negative emotions associated with rehearsing the hurtful offense (Baumeister, Exline, & Sommer, 1998). Learn to say, "I wish you the best.". Always follow your instincts. you're not angry but you remember what that person is capable of so you don't put your trust in them again. Your behavior as a mother is scrutinized by your children so you should want to always set a good example for them to follow. Its a good time to find out who your friends are and who are not for some people certainly make you out to be the grudge-bearing sourpuss- which does affect me so I try not to think about itYes, would love Nat to post on this. I forgive my ex who was abusive. he went off to chat to a young woman (no surprise there!). I know I do! If you can truly wish someone the best without being best friends with them, you're probably not holding a grudge. You are right that God didnt say were are to be chumps and Jesus isnt one, either. Cut your losses, beautiful lady, and remain NC. I know you cant just switch off your memory and forget all the pain that was brought upon you, and as frustrating as that is, its a friendly reminder that I needed the pain in order to grow. And dont feel guilty about it. Sure, arent you making a meal out of this whole thing? %PDF-1.6 % . And things are not black and white, people are complex, situations are complex (and a lot of information and detail is missing from my post, otherwise it would just be too long). Hes playing with your heart. Forgiveness isnt about pretending the person didnt do anything wrong. She left me a voice mail message one day when I didnt do something for her fast enough. Its been over a year, and Im getting better and then suddenly something will hit me and I will crash emotionally. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface.". ReadyforChange, I would advise you not to break NC. One thing led to another, and 3.5 months later we got together for a romantic weekend in his country. With all of my relationships Im the same way. What a bullet you dodged. "Often, grudges come from an intentional or unintentional betrayal," Kasey says. Let him live with that. I too agree we should avoid hurting others the way weve been hurt. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behaviour or unique IDs on this site. Lower blood pressure. The Bible says to bless those who curse us. Say no to blaming yourself for who people are. What To Do When Your Family Doesnt Love What Does Arguing With A Narcissist Sound Like. Unfortunately, there are too many single women involved with ACs that behave as if their kids are deaf and dumb. It takes practice. Finally I am single and learning to be alone regardless of how much I resisted this in the past. When you show up authentically and choose to be more you, people being themselves allows you to filter out the wrong relationships and say yes to the right ones.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Please, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want, comes out this month. To move toward forgiveness, you might: Forgiveness can be hard, especially if the person who hurt you doesn't admit wrongdoing. Think of a calming or pleasant memory that you can clearly . If we keep listening to the shoulds, we just end up stuck in a cycle of lather, rinse, repeat. Also supplement this with yoga to connect the relaxation of body and mind. Its a set up! The person isnt going to (maybe cant) repay his debt to us so trying to collect the debt is futile. Are you worthy of the air you breathe? Looking into the reasons why forgiving is not easy. Grudges can go from being minor (sibling rivalry, healthy competition) to borderline dangerous (thoughts of harming someone or seeing their demise in some way). You do not need the extra burden and pain on your shoulders. Obviously, it hasnt slowed his stride as he romanced and married a blissfully ignorant woman. We can have good boundaries on one thing and ridiculous ones on something closely related. I can't handle being around my mother for more than an hour at a time. Those . Carry on!! I like this definition of forgiveness. then i realized i had to end everything with him becasue I still had feelings and told him not to contact me anymore. It's so ingrained, it feels like the right thing to do. In a word. Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Its such desperate and insecure behavior (which I dont find sexually appealing at all) that Ive tended to step back and observe it almost scientifically. PS Mymble I think being in this kind of relationship where we began to doubt ourselves, where we were with these nice passive aggressive guys is crazy making in very very sutble ways- I understand more of that now. For a person who was badly, When one person is deeply hurt and broken by an offense caused by another person,. Ready If you had a proper relationship and he was basically a good egg i might say go ahead and have a talk. Unsubscribe at any time. I think he likes me becasue of my emotional nature, and he is learning from me, if you read my new post in the latest BR, I talk about tha too. But it was so OTT at times, that I began making funny faces and blushing when I was with him, especially since he made no exception with me in applying his charming/seductive behavior. It took me a long time to finally break up with him and I dont think he likes that I have gone from strength to strength and that I am finally finding that woman I used to be and not the one I let him turn me into and I am really quite proud of myself for that . I doubt hes a moron. Years may have passed since the event, but remembering it still makes your blood boil. Not at all. Take some time out from dating, so that you can move on from the ex in a healthy way. Wonderful. The AC is not worthy of forgiveness, he never understood he did wrong and is pulling the same shite all over again with someone else. Or would you advise me to run as fast as I can, nevermind hang around to go cycling?? Order your copy (link in bio)#recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #healthyboundaries #healthyrelationships #baggagereclaim #codependentnomore #peoplepleasernomore #thejoyofsayingno, When someone shows you who they are thats *information*, not judgment of how good youve been or the effort youve made. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. What a douche! I was in the waiting room of my specialist when tht little gem arrived by text, & cut him cold. No. Youve already been supportive to me and I really appreciate it from you and all the others. Dear Nat, thanks again for the great post! Ready you should be celebrating! There are other friends who understand but two who dont I feel so much better and less grudging, now that I am starting to appreciate the distance and time I have claimed for myself. Grudges also often feature persistent rumination about the person and/or incident at the center of your ill-will. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. A hustler respects the process and knows what it really takes to achieve the seemingly impossible, while grinders often hate because they don't understand how to similarly master the game. these are the effs I do not give. Lessons were learned & I am working on me & my EU tendencies which have been there since childhood I am guessing. He left me a voicemail last sat that just stunned me. Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. They dont want to look like a bad or unforgiving person and their show of faith that theyre not carrying around resentment, hurt or hostility is to squash down their feelings, opinions, needs, expectations, and wishes, as well as excessive use of the Reset Button erasing the past and conveniently resetting your recollection of things to a point in the past that allows you to pretend as if what followed never happened. As you know, being a Christian is hard, Revolution! Once your account is created, you'll be logged-in to this account. I typed the website address into the search bar just now while chanting to myself Please let it say something about NOT seeking reassurance and approval and caring from someone who has demonstrated a lack of those things. I was trying to rationalize texting exfriend for support because its the anniversary of my surgery to remove the cancer, and Im feeling vulnerable. document.getElementById( "ak_js_2" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); document.getElementById( "ak_js_3" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Sign up for our newsletter and receive our top articles I knowtime heals all wounds. If you hold a grudge about everything others do whether right or wrong, you may be the toxic person in the equation. He gave you the truth: hes incapable of any responsibility or emotional attachment. It means theres a part of him thats unhealthy and drawn to her for that reason. The weird thing is that I didnt myself realise how bad it had been, until he was gone. We also mistake the fact that we may recognise what does and doesnt work for us and that we may actually be feeling relatively at peace about something thats happened, as an automatic precursor to going for another round or even treat it as a court order from our inner critic. I wrote that post last night in a moment of particular discomfort, and I was blown away this morning when I found your thoughtful replies. We, too, forgive one another even if the other person didnt earn it. resentment noun. Lavendar, the fact that youre taking this all in means that on some level you have self-preservation. Or unhealthy? Ive been 1 year out of an unhealthy 3.5 year relationship, and Im struggling with thoughts about breaking 6 months no contact with her. I think what helps is just seeing it through, dealing with the down moments because everyone has those and I think maybe we always will, but its about focusing on the good times and sticking to the things that are great for you.