Okay so why am I here? she doesnt speak to me heaven knows why not. ), and in the best case, they push us and our loved ones to higher heights than either of us thought possible. I guess you are right I love him and he is still in love with his wife. in 3 years we have only managed it about twice. Do you really think hes going to give that up once he is an adult? Your guy had a drinking problem after his wife died, which is to me a sign that he is probably a candidate for more professional help than most grieving folks need. How his hot/cold attention is hurting you? Do you notice I use the word Man and not widower. I am kind to his son, i make ice-cream, cakes, sweets, lovely food at home then take to him but the control of his father is unbearable. Their relationship is. And Ive had this discussion a million times in the last eight years and I have heard the arguments you set forth more times than I could possibly count, and just as an aside, Id like to point out that much of what you have to say about divorce and the reasons for it are trite, insulting and cliche. Cher would tell you its in his kiss, but its in his actions. Psychology Today is also good. Cut no man (or woman) slack because theyve been widowed. It has been the most draining relationship I have even been in. That Grief thing does all sorts of things with my head. Perfectly normal but you are married and that means being honest about your hopes and expectations of each other, for the relationship and for yourself. To me she is not fully at rest. How would you feel? I have recently broken off with a Widower. You were/are a potential that couldnt be realized because of bad timing or geography. I will not bring it up to him because I will not push him to do something he should do in his own time. I found this really helpful thank you. Learn! It doesn't matter if he's been a widower 3 months or 3 years, if he's ready to get serious with you, this is the way to know. I disagree with one thing you said , that I am not going to get closure. If you will decide to do so, please at least try to educate yourself. Where would you like to be next year or the year after and what has to happen to make this a reality and do you think things will fall into place with a little work? Grief is unique to us all for that reason. Getting children on board with a new relationship can be tricky another reason to take things slowly. Do what feels right. I know I need to have a talk with him. There is nothing wrong with honoring those we lost in ways we find comfortable. Because basically, I agree with you that someone who is doing the things he is, and allowing others in his life to pull stunts too, is not ready to date. Though thats just my opinion. You can only love people for who they are. But my concern just heightened as we have just returned from a family vacation with my children, his children and his extended family. Both things can be difficult enough to manage without the added complication of not really being able to have a frank discussion about the needs and wants of both parties. Posts are one offs that share and allow others to share. He never had sex until he married which was at 30 and never had it for that 13 years after his wife died but he cant perform with me as he has ED. Look, relationships/love are a risk. He speaks openly about her when we have conversations(not enough to freak me out or make me feel uncomfortable) and I really appreciate that aspect because he seems to let me in easily and hes comfortable enough with me to talk about her. The possible third is that you seem to believe that other peoples approval or disapproval of choices you make that are none of their business carry weight. I have done that for myself. It may take time for me to let my guard down. We are both in out mid 50s and have been together a year. And even when a widow or widower is open to another romantic partnership, that doesn't mean the deceased spouse has been forgotten. He even stayed with me to console me for 6 hours as we both cried and talked about everything. If a person decides to continue on with someone with less than stellar relationship skills at least they should have all the information necessary to weather it. We have reconnected and shared some wonderful times together but he is so worried about his adult sons and particularly one sister-in-law with whom he is very close finding out. NOT ONE SINGLE THING. Thats really all that matters. I was lucky, I believe, to understand it at the beginnings with Susan. We will be spending the weekend together this weekend, and I did plan on approaching the topic with him again. And listen to what he has to say. I was very grateful for that, my own small family small in extended terms too, I was an only child was very much marred by my fathers Narcissistic Personality Disorder, something I only recognized by name and symptom months before I met my widower. Which he removed on my request.I have a nice home myself, with no baggage attached to it re exs having lived in it. There is nothing wrong with simply asking for what you need occasionally and it neednt be seen as demanding or needy. It is circular and maddening when in the throes of grief. You are not crazy. They were looking for ways to fix relationships retroactively. Dont be hard on yourself. You don't want children whether young or adults to feel like you're trying to replace their mother or father. You are your own person and, over time, should be accepted as a valuable, loving partner. This whole relationship has been built around his shit or the parents which I will get to in a bit. Or not? Children who are struggling, or even openly opposed to their widowed parent dating, can spell big trouble and some widowed simply dont want to deal with it. I did not know that for a very long while. If youve been feeling lonely since your spouse passed away, it is only natural that youll want a new relationship to fill the void; however, you must take things slowly. Its a journey in faith. I FIND OUT HE WAS AT THE SISTER IN LAWLW SISTER. Im confused. Your hopes. Jane Fonda, 69, recently started a relationship with Lynden Gillis, 75, a retired management consultant, and wants to make a "sexy erotic movie about people over 70.". Both the grandparents and the best friend.He may have been the best friend of the deceased, but he was no best friend to Shelly, when he covered up her deceased spouses affair. Communication is key. to search for ways to make a difference in your community at Im just glad to have come across your site. I now see intentionally to get me out of her way,so she could walk all over her father unchecked. Over time you're consistently not invited to the widow or widower's family gatherings because, you're told, They're not ready to meet you.. He grieves, he loved her, they grew up together being together since sophomores in high school.her death was sudden, unexpected and traumatic. And as I have told many people whove come here, its good to sit and talk things through with someone in your real life who actually knows you and your situation. Is that what you want? I am not big on ultimatums but I am a believer in asking for what you want and moving one if the answer is no. From time to time he mentions all the places they went together and things they did. And I do love him, so why not try it, give him the romantic space he needs instead of my initial reaction of running away. He says to hell with what other people think and its what we feel about each other that is most important. It helps to talk out-loud when you are deciding something. You are normal. Ann, pardon the pun but you are DEAD wrong. Thank you for your input, and insight. I didnt have that same issue because I married in my 30s and my own marriage with my LH was quite short. I would caution not to see trouble where there isnt but if there are things you feel need clarifying, a relationship should be able to weather conversation on any issue. I hope things work out the way you hope they do but please do remember that this is your life and you dont have to accept anything less than want you need and wish for. give them to? Partly it is her personality but mostly its because she can. Im at a loss, I feel since these things are still lingering on I feel he is not ready to let go. Good luck. Im the only one they have. I had been hurt and rejected once again. Our relationship is all Ive ever wanted and he is always respectful and affectionate. David, whatever you decide to do, make sure it is what is best for you first and foremost. The deceased parents. ). Probably a holdover thing from when we were young and first dating and getting into relationships. Fruit salad works for some people. She offers private coaching and retreats to support her male and female. I have met his family and friends and I am treated very well by them. We really like each other what a relief and it seems LW had told the friend the place shed liked to be scattered. and he answered that he leave his phone open that is why i saw him online, but i told him that when i go online i saw him offline first then he goes online, so how come he is telling me that it was online the whole night coz he left his data in his phone open..Then i texted him that is ok if he is chatting someone else. And the second part of that question is, what are you going to do if it doesnt happen? Dont accept hurtful actions or words. I cant see younger sis being able to afford to take on my fiances house reliably with a mortgage, even if he knocked $50,000 or so off for her . When a widower/widow decides to date they should consider the role of the person they are dating and be clear. The only thing that helps with that really is time. Certainly the past and any anger or guilt complicates a situation, but at some point, the past needs to be acknowledged for what it was and for what cant be changed and then simply left behind. They include you in their lives. She has been dead 4 years. Why is she still in contact with this man? You understand this Im sure. I dated, even had a fly by night almost serious relationship, until I decided he wasnt what I was looking for. About the Aunt. Hi, I found your blog and like it very much. I wrote another post about the 10-10-10 method of working through decisions. He tells me I am a real trooper and just be myself and soon they will love me too. He is 57 and i am 49.. We have had our ups and downs, i have quite the past ( party girl) he knows this, he is truly mourning. After I divorced my husband, I stayed single for 2yrs to get myself right, mind and body. I understand how you feel. Then came a date. Promised he would be totally committed this time. I am so glad you came back to update and that you have found your happy ending. I know my wid did a lot for the dead bitch, and I suspect she was a bitch too. Well he was respectfully persistent,he even had his son who is in the air force and worked at the white house to put a plug in for himSo i agreed, and I am so happy I did and did not judge him being a widower by my previous experience, he was definitely ready to move on, Unfortunately they were in process of a divorce when she got sick and diedso that is a whole different dynamic, anyhow long story short, He just proposed and I accepted, we have been dating for 6 months now, and there have been no red flags..My entire family adores him, all 5 kidsand the feeling is mutual with his family, So my story has a happy ending, just a very unexpected one. Many women over 60 are learning how to re-engage with their sense of self-worth and self-love. 19. My fiance has been angry with the pair of them for not doing much in terms of upkeep.. But I do think if they are ready to move forward and have found someone who they want to start a new long term relationship they must focus on that. Therefore, I try not to reach out because I know if he wants me, he knows how to find me. I can assure you she does not work in a caring profession, nor does she give a hoot about anyone, her dad, her sister, even her pets, blessedly she has no kids yet, hopefully she never will. We are not having sex or running into a relationship. Should You Tell Your Partner Everything About Your Past or Not? When someone we loved so deeply is no longer in our lives we can never imagine loving anyone else. They all accept me being with him. People back in the dating world after being out for a while for whatever reason often harbor feelings for the last person they loved. he never mention her even when i try to somehow indirectly get him to talk 4) Relationships post-widowed are no different than those you had before you married aside from the fact that you didnt break up with the last guy, he died. He says even holding hands feels a little weird at this moment. I was so comfortable, I really enjoyed him. The process of sustaining a living love instinctually still remains after Susan has left but the fruit of my labor as harvested through my senses will never again be realized. And then I have this desire to have him declare his love for mesince with my husband I did all the pursuing, proposing etc and was sorry I never experienced being on the receiving end. He asked me before I came over for the first time if I wanted him to take stuff down, it was really important to him that I am comfortable. 6. Its bullshit excuses. I dont know what to do, I dont want to hurt him but a fulfilling, passionate, exciting and varied sex life was going to be the one thing that I could offer him that she couldnt and now there seems no hope left. A path that we have chosen together. I dont feel guilty about it and my adult/teenage kids know and accept it and are happy for me. Love the insights on this blog. There was you said it the voicemail. She is highly manipulative and she is going to play every angle. Nan, Neither one of us set out to date again so the whole thing took us by storm and we have figured it out as we went along. Is there anyone out there who has been through similar? I made new curtains for him, throughout. You dont mention the ages of the kids, but they sound young. I too went through this as well, Ive been dating a widower for a little over two years now, we met a month exactly after his wife passed away, they had been together 14 years and have two children together. What I got out of your words were that you are totally understanding and that a photo is fine along with positive conversation about the passed spouse. There is a lot under the surface here in terms of Shellys baggage, and being a widow sounds like it is just the tip of the iceberg. i truly did love and care for him, but sometimes that isnt enough to make a relationship work. Most of her belongings were donated or discarded last year when he moved into his new house. Research supports that those of us who are socially connected are healthier, have fewer stress-related problems, and recover from trauma and illness faster. I am I being childish / foolish to walk away, or is he just making excuses. This love is a powerful magnificent thing. If he has changed his mind, he owes you a definite answer to your questions. There may be some uncertainties when defining the new relationship and deciding upon where it will go long term. He has bought a plot next to hers and believes they will be reunited when he dies (which I have told him I also believe), BUT I have also said that seeing he will have an eternity with her, couldnt he just give me a little time here on earth? Seeing she was not going to get Dads house for a song she dumped her b/f pretty shortly and has now taken up with an old flame with a good job and his own paid for home. Daryl introduced us to Emma, a tiny blonde of six, and we set off for The Fourth of May, a restaurant owned by a group of women whose birthdays all landed onyou guessed itthe fourth day in May. Most widowed think about and actually do date within the first year. Am I being too sensitive? But they went into albums. Thank you Ann. I cant begin to thank yo for your words. You will be okay and eventually, everything will be okay. Whats the guy doing. He isnt choosing that and you would like him to but cant figure out a way to help him, so let me say this again you cant help him. Nothing good comes from this train of thought. Two things could be going on, the first is that he is using his daughter as an excuse to limit your relationship and keep it on his terms only. If you dont like it, no contact with the grandchildren. The grandparents are the real problem. I know it wont be easy. When I was a young woman, I wasted myself and my time on men who played the emotional baggage card. He feels he hasnt many years left on earth because of genetics and both parents dying at 60. Any words of wisdom are appreciated! Does he act like he loves you? I feel like the receiving end of the journal you wrote Dating While Widowed: Erasing Your Past. Not at all. Shelly needs to wake up. And there are kids. Also, in the beginning of a relationship, whether it is long distance or not, its exciting because it is new and people tend to go overboard wanting to text, chat, etc as much as possible. But if he doesnt, can you live with this? The choice is yours. Marriages are also works in progress because there is no point at which you can say done! and then sit back and coast. As I said before, this isnt a reflection on you or him. That poor old man supporting the rotten old N woman for 38 years. Finally, there is the relationship (on a variety of levels) with your girlfriend. Understand though that he likely is not making comparisons or suggestions you do things the way his LW did to hurt you. When the moment comes, you will know it. Hi, Thank you for.this post this is very useful And dont underestimate the affect their disapproval is having on you. A widower loves you when his actions say so. I wish you luck. You have a couple of options. My guess is that the deceased husband was the Golden Child son of his parents, the grandparents. Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. They are separate. With that slight shift, she is also considering you as a unit, which might be because she is in love. But he has to know that this is important to you or he is unlikely to make the effort. Separated first by duties and then by the war, they pledge their devotion to one another. Its no trick to love someone and stay together when things are going as you want them to. I expect we communicate your feelings and mine coming together when we have something pop up. Some widowed folk never really do more than have semi-replacement relationships that often leave the replacement hurt. Writer. Tell him your worries. Not so much. And you can continue to babble all you want. It doesnt have to be breaking up or ultimatum time-lines. Meeting me has not been easy and although they have been polite it is very clear to me it will be a long time before I am fully accepted. And even if he has moments where the past intersects with the present, chances are quite good that he will never let you know it. It felt odd to be dealing with a husband who was grieving for another wife. He had told me that he had told her that it was inappropriate to make major property decisions with someone I have only known for 2 or 3 years., I had asked him why in Gods name he couldnt just sell that house, and his older daughter had also said as much. Everyone grieves differently and seven months out is not that long. This little slut , and she is one of those too, wrecked my relationship with my widower, but only because he allowed it. In a meantime Very Merry Christmas to everyone. If this were me, Id let it go and if he were to show up at some point in the future, I d be very, very careful before I allowed him to close again. This is something that the two of you need to discuss. I am sorry this relationship is working out. will be able to handle the fact that youve been married before and will continue to love your former spouse. When my dad died, my mom thought about dating and then decided no because she was happy on her own even though she missed having him around. All his touch points had her in them in some way. .. Ashes. Non existent boundaries, in fact. Im in tears and I hate this feeling. He was married and, I too, was invovled with someone else. Take some time. You may feel unfulfilled in your life, no matter what you . His seem to suggest that he doesnt see this relationship the same way you do. Thank you. Communication is key. When a man says he is never marrying again its because a) he is done with marriage or b) you are the one. I really love the guy, however he now thinks I am too pushy and have been pushing for marriage. I dont think so. Important items pictures. I carry an overnight bag with me everyday, and he has yet to offer me drawer space. There is no more crying from them. Relationships with widowed folk are not really all that different from relationships with people who havent been widowed. on the nightstand beside the bed (he and the LW on honeymoon). Several days after her funeral he called me. A second and third followed. This eye-wateringly tasteless decor, that I could hardly wait to change, had to a large part been installed by this little brat, as a mid to late teen, before she moved out. It takes time but I do know where his heart lies and where I stand and the footing is more solid than I gave it credit for. Thank you in advance. And sometimes they mature out of it once others stop feeding their games with reactions. Its hard to explain the feelings we widowed have where our late partners are concerned. I would never believe This is his first near dating experience after 31 years of marriage. In that case, you may not be ready to date, but if youve spent some time alone and found happiness participating in your own hobbies and spending time with friends, youre probably ready to jump into the dating world. How brilliant! Who knows, that might even light a fire under them to get them to suggest/agree to things. The stereotypical guy whose been too hurt to open his heart again routine has rewarded many a man with the cake sans having to bake it for himself. I agree. I have been dating my widower for 4 months, we met 3 months after his wifes death. She walked right into the house at 2:00. His wife felt very threatened by his fascination with me and demanded him to stop our friendship (she also used to be a friend of mine). sorry x. I am shocked about what I am reading here. He was convinced I wanted out of the relationship and was devastated the next morning. EVERYTHING in his house was frozen in time. I have never encouraged anyone to take my advice. This younger girl mid twenties is competent, well qualified, and good at her job. I dont know if hes nesting or what, but I am trying to be patient. Falling in love with you will bring her survivor's guilt to the surface. Yes its time for me to be really happy. You go out in public but no one in his life knows about you? There was no way on earth my widower and I, as a couple, could afford the indulgence of his self-entitled younger daughter. He is too but will it work? It doesnt give him the right to treat you dismissively. My wife passed gently into the early morning hours the silent time. Wow, i was not aware of that. i dont want to coz i might get hurt if he will not reply and i dont want to sound to him that i want him badly in my life, so if really wants me and serious with me, he will do the first move when gets backthats is my opinion.pls your advice again anncoz i guess 3 days or 4 days will be enough space for him/ us A lot of the concern, on everyone's part, is rooted in doubt and fear. Im sorry you will be scrutinized by the people who love me. Happy people dont generally go looking for relationship answer on the Internet. How will you feel if he doesnt? Good luck. He tells me there is no-one else for me and I believe him. It has taken over 4 week to even empty his shed and complete the new one. However, these types of conversations sometimes lead to the end of relationships/friendships. So Im just totally confused and sick about all this..Im crushed and I want to help him..but Im afraid I cant. My best friend of 40+ years passed away last year so I have really no one to talk to and as you can tell I desperately need some insight. You are likely to still be grieving the loss of your spouse, but you may struggle with loneliness and desire an intimate relationship. I am respectful because I loved her and of course, her family loves her always. Is accepting this different love my conflict? In my opinion you need MAJOR counseling to determine why you even, for a moment, would think it is normal for a 12 year old to be calling the shots over his father. Many women in their 60s have been hurt, divorced, or widowed. Paulo Coelho, The Zahir, I thought following a straight road would lead me right to my destination. She had a lease on her rented apartment, so we were caught off guard by the haste with which this occurred. Thanks again. This is your life. Its also normal for visits with family, friends and events like funerals to trigger grief. You might think that you are ready to date again, but you probably also feel guilty, as if you are disrespecting your deceased spouse by moving on too soon. :(. i thought is was super sad i had to write this out, but i did anywhy, thats what you do when you love someone, I felt in my her all I was asking for was to be treat like I was important Like I was first in someones life. Just put it out there, Hey, this is how I feel and what I would like to happen and then see what he says. At 14months, things can still be kinda raw and its still easy to get caught up in the past on anniversaries. I asked nicely for months, that this stuff is making me really uncomfortable. Its not a reflection on you or his feelings for you. Recently he started hitting on me. But it begins with have a conversation, or several, with your guy. All whom over this last year have all come up to me and said when can you and mom get married all I want is another day, I want to call you my dad. He had been faithful to the same winan for 24 years. See if your good enough and jump through endless hoops and then you die Ill put your picture up there with hers. Wouldnt it be nice if we could have a talk with the dead wife and I wanted to leave so many times but the children I know will be heartbroken this last summer I thought I would ask her to marry me in hopes that things would get better. This is my dynamic in grief. She was 26 she acted like she was a very bad 16. However isnt that what everyone says, they would do things differently if they had a choice. That's not automatically a problem, as long as the surviving spouse ultimately is truly ready for another relationship. Not every relationship works out and progresses to commitment. When you accept that your new partner will be different from your spouse, you will find that youre more open to dating new people. As I am not yet divorced (but will be soon) I can see the point (I wouldnt like my adult sons to know anything at this stage either), BUT I have the feeling this phobia about his family will remain even after my divorce. He prefer that I leave on my own, because he doesnt want to be the cause of me leaving. He said the only ones he cares about knowing is his kids and he was discussing how he was going to tell them. While she struggles to admit it, Susan often feels like she's living in the woman's shadow. Thanks Ann, It will NOT change NOT ever. We originally lived 70 miles apart. I know I have kept my guard up as of lately too. Its not messing up to want a relationship to work out or to give it time and space to do so. My hope was/is that those items will get packed and stay packed. Over time as you build if you choose to your own marriage and history together, you will become his reference point. A picture or other sentimental item in your living room or office is one thing but in your bedroom, where you are sleeping with someone else? Abel Keogh has a Facebook group for women dating(past and present), engaged and married to widowers. While behind my back, and, for sometime, his older daughters back too, he had promised to give his house to his vile younger daughter. "It's when they balk and can't define what they want that's usually a sign that they maybe don't even know what they want, Keogh adds. You deserve to be loved and happy, dont forget that. I think you want to give a good advice, but it might actually have an opposite effect. I went with him, for a year and was engaged to him for a further year, with that bitch living out of province. But I dont want to just give up. Its no different from the divorced guy whose wife screwed him over or the never married guy whos afraid of commitment because of that girl who dumped him once a while ago. But you might ask yourself, if I wait a bit longer and things dont turn out the way I hope, will I feel as though I wasted time? Their actions are more indicative of where they are than their words. I had not thought about him not wanting to widow me. Dating and marrying someone who hasnt been widowed, as you and your boyfriend have, is a very different ballgame. My husband was widowed. You're in a serious relationship but introduced as a friend to someone your partner runs into in public.