"Crossing the X Date would be unprecedented," Akabas said. There is really no reasonlet sleeping dogs lie. Like I said, I never reached out to an Ex. Observe the way he or she speaks to you and see how long it takes for your ex to lose interest and stop talking. I could tell knowing the truth was a huge weight off his mind. We welcome the Reddit community to elicit opinions on a variety of matters from our community of women ages 30 and up. So, depending on that, choose if you want to keep any contact with your ex. And if theres a new partner in the picture, the green-eyed monster might rear its ugly head. Reaching out to an ex years later can play out in one of two ways, you either connect with each other again or nothing good comes of it. Remember, friendships are often place-bound or time-bound relationships and their remembered intensity may be reflecting more about the intensity of that period of your life rather than the depth of that friendship. Heartbreak Burnout. So, I am trying to find someone to talk to, who will be unbiased toward my situation. In some cases, exes break up and get back together more than once due to unhealthy relationship patterns or beliefs. If exes come back when you stop caring, youve got to make sure you remember not to rush into anything and not over-indulge. Youve both moved on, got a new partner, and were happy, so whats the motive? Unless your ex-partner was an abuser, listen to what theyve got to say before deciding how to handle the situation. As most of the comments say it depends on how the relationship was. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. If you are in a monogamous relationship and your exs texting you is making your heart throb in your stomach, you need to spill it to your partner. If that's what he needs from me I'm afraid my reaction might not offer much comfort. Even if I couch them in "we didn't know any better, but you did X"? My breakup recovery method for men combines science, first-hand . Before we talk about what to do when an ex reaches out after no contact, we need to discuss what "after" means. They started dating in 2003 when they were in university. That doesnt, however, mean that you should talk to her, keep getting closer, and abandon your wife. After some thought, I decided not to write my ex back, and to treat the apology with a little bit of stoicism. Youve probably told your partner all about your ex, and why you broke up. People change over time, relationships shift, and priorities and interests shift as well. If you still have feelings for this ex, and are considering the prospect of getting back together, dont just jump into it. Your ex-partner must have kept a tab on you. Secondly, it also gives us evidence that others have successfully faced similar challenges. If youre focused and working on your goals, will your ex become a distraction? Most people spend their lives seeking perfection in a partner only to realize that there is no such thing as perfection. I wished him well too. For context: I broke up with my 1st boyfriend who I dated for 5 years about 10 years ago. I said I didn't have any expectations of him, but I wanted to take ownership and say "I'm sorry" and took responsibility. So much was tied up inside because of a difficult home life, hadn't learned yet to really let all that flow out. Naturally, it can make your exes come back when you stop caring. Dumpers just dont care if youve changed or not because when they reach out, they have no expectations of you and still see you the way they saw you prior to the breakup. He has a wife and two adorable girls now and Im happy for him. As if you both needed a reason to get even more heavily chemically attached to each other. You dont owe anyone an explanation for not responding. She reached out a few years ago but she didn't really make any effort to apologize and kind of half-asses the friendship now. When they meet up with their ex years later, they come to the same conclusion and decide to get back together. Perhaps it was a two-week fling, a mutual breakup, or an old partner who ghosted you once and has resurfaced for closure. You DO NOT have to maintain a protocol, thinking that itll be too rude to not reply. Before going down a path you have already been on, voice what you want from this renewed relationship be it any kind. Advertisement. Shes now married with a kid and said being married is hard, having a family is hard. Press J to jump to the feed. I imagine he just wants to check up. Do you want to pursue a relationship, friendship, acquaintanceship, or do you wish not to speak with your ex? If you still have feelings for your ex, that doesnt mean you should talk to your ex and get your hopes up. I feel a lot better then I did then knowing the what ifs., I'm sorry she did not get back to you, I understand wanting to heal a friendship. If so, remember what you said and keep your word, because going against it will only cause problems between the two of you. He'd already tried to reach out to me a couple times, but I wasn't ready. Reach out because youd like to reconnect to see where someone is at in their life, to share a memory of past times, or offer a show of support and caring. A year later one of his fraternity brothers reached out and let me know how he was doing and "he's really sorry for the pain he inflicted, can't you forgive him?" If the person ghosted you leaving you in dire need of closure, you might feel tempted to respond to their message. I have no idea what to do. You're finally feeling like yourself again and putting yourself back out there, when, like clockwork, your ex reaches out to you. Will defo not repy if he decides to reach out again! If your only reason to respond to the text is to get that closure, its better to leave the text on seen. I did some things in that relationship that were unkind, and I know I hurt him badly. You are about to put a lot at stake here. 4. Why would an ex contact you years later? One such conundrum hits us when our exes come back after no contact and we are clueless about how to respond. I felt that she was just trying to ease her guilt rather than anything else, and it wasnt my job to do that. I've been honestly tempted since reevaluating everything about the last ten years of my life. Whats going on? No matter how you both ended things, try not to respond to the text immediately, even if its a lazy Saturday afternoon and your only entertainment is your cat licking her own fur. When you reach out to a former friend from a place of support and no expectations others than to share a moment of connection, it can leave a lasting feeling of positive connection and appreciation for that persons having been there earlier in your life and when you reached back out in this period of uncertainty. Anyway I replied nicely and she was surprised I wanted to even speak to her. People are not static, and friendships that cant shift and grow as people do just cant endure. A really long time and the fact she is reaching out shows something is happening there. Her requirements werent clear and she wanted me to make suggestions about what to do, but her first question was: I dont know if you want us to go back to before, where we are living in separate places?. Maybe they are still holding grudges against you and decided this is the right time to serve the cold dish of revenge. Perhaps they dont have the energy to get to know another person from scratch, to reach the level of ease and intimacy that you shared. But how are you supposed to know that for sure? You are moving on and they are jealous. Want to know more? About App. When an ex suddenly gets in touch with you out of the blue, it can be a confusing and frustrating situation. Theyre literally just checking up on you to see if youre well. It may seem a bit strange to ask your ex that, but dont worry about that. Remember, when an ex contacts you, you need to be answerable to yourself first. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? What do you expect out of this renewed relationship? I haven't reached out because I think he's married. Most people go through lifehidingparts of their character because theyre afraid of being judged. Despite going on several dates after breaking up with their ex-partner, they never met anyone worth having a serious relationship with. However, they later got back together and married in 2011. Thank you for being you. Your mentality has changed, and things are not how they used to be. What if the ex just wants to hook up and would want to do it with someone familiar rather than a stranger? But heres what you should consider doing when you discover that your ex: To conclude, here are 7 things to do when an ex contacts you years later. I dont care why youre reaching out now. I know it can feel tempting to converse with your ex and convince your ex youve changed, matured, and become a better version of yourself, but thats not why exes reach out after years. The X-Men timeline desperately needed to sync up at one point, and 2014's "X-Men: Days of Future Past" was the vehicle that helped mash together the multiple versions of "X-Men" history. It really depends on a number of circumstances such as the cause of your breakup, whether your ex has moved on completely or not, if your ex hates you or has no bad feelings towards you. Instead, it was their feelings about their ex and about the breakup that predicted contact: People were more likely to communicate with exes they still had feelings for. Exes reach out for a lot of reasons, and wanting a relationship again might be one of them. When an ex contacts you years later, you need to focus on why they became your ex in the first place. Acknowledge it. Takeaway I get why you feel the need to give this person closure, but please know: that's not your responsibility. I am still not sure if its a good idea. Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. Dont make up stories when your partner asks you, Why would an ex contact you years later? Be honest and tell them the truth about what your ex has texted you. When your ex finally does that, youll quickly regain your power and be able to say how you want things to go. We dont sign up for certain catastrophes in life. If your ex just suffers and impulsively runs back to you, your ex might not reflect long enough to discover your worth. My ex contacted me after 10 + years. Your ex is an ex for a reason, and giving them attention when your present life is fulfilling isnt really worth it. My ex contacted me after about 3 years of no contact. What if you start talking again and old feelings resurface? I had my ex reached out after 2 years of no contact after cheating on me and treating me poorly during the relationship. Substance use doesn't negate the fact that you put me in the hospital multiple times and caused me significant trauma, PTSD. That way, even if you break up with your partner and get back together with your ex, at least you gave them a heads-up. Related Reading: 15 Clever Ways to Turn Down An Ex Who Wants To Be Friends, Elena, one of our readers from Los Angeles, was still trying to move on after her partner ended things over an email. One impulsive move can shatter everything. And this epiphany has the power to escalate the steps of your ex coming back more rapidly than you thought. Do not use it as an opportunity to continue the mud-slinging. hings in that relationship that were unkind, and I know I hurt him badly. And for people who arent just trying to cushion the blow while their ex is weeping in front of them, it can be really tough to say no to an ex who reaches out in a friendly way. Youll have to settle for way less than that. When an ex contacts you years later, just seeing their name pop up on your phones screen is going to set off fireworks in your brain. She said marriage is hard, so its possible she finally reflected and realized she was very mean to you after the breakup. I think that she would really appreciate hearing that and she deserves it. There was a certain sense of familiarity and comfort in your relationship which is simply hard to replace. It could be your mental peace, could be the relationship with your new partner. Your obligation toward your ex has ended, and it is alright to think of yourself first. So, you spent three sleepless nights wondering about their true intention behind a simple Hi. Youll probably experience a flood of emotions when you get that message, so getting an objective opinion will help you look at things from a different perspective and make the right decision. Thank you Zan for your perspective. 12 Things To Remember When You Run Into Your Ex, 7 Unspoken Boundaries For Being Friends With An Ex. He or she needed these things so that life (especially health and well-being) could go back to the way they were prior to getting hurt and reaching out for support. You might end up immediately assuming things like: Is this a new start to our relationship? If your ex and you had a very on-again-off-again kind of relationship, do you think bringing that back into your life is a healthy decision? How have you been?, dont conclude that the nasty text they sent to you while breaking up meant nothing, and that they want to get back together. Many years have passed since you were together, so naturally, youve matured and changed quite a bit. I wouldnt bother replying to an ex who dumped me years ago, even if Im unattached. There was a lot of love in your dynamic before, and that may have turned to affection and warmth. An immediate response is never a good idea. 2. He was going through the program and wanted to make amends. 2 Take a moment to work through how you feel before replying. When you first start dating, it's normal for him to only text when you're making plans together. Turns out she was in a 12 step program and got to the step where she was supposed to make up with those she'd done wrong in the past. reg-o-matic 5 yr. ago After close to 20 years, my ex wife reached out to apologize. Perhaps they feel genuinely guilty about hurting you so badly and cant find their peace until you forgive them. He has to now find a job in stead. I do not want to interrupt her life now and do not want to reopen any wounds. Closure takes effort and patience, and sometimes, the wounds wont heal with an explanation. Your current partner might be aware of what went down between you and your ex. It was like a weight lifted. Additionally, make sure you tell your partner when yourex contactsyou so it doesnt appear as if youre hiding anything. I think my ex will never contact me after years later. Thank you for your article very insightful. Programs. They were also more likely . But they happen anyway., and you are left with no other choice than to face the aftermath. Theres also a chance that your partner has asked what youd do if your ex resurfaced. When reuniting, theyve matured and understand what it takes to make a relationship work. They bounce from relationship to relationship and leave when they can no longer ignore their significant others flaws. While I was in I met my now ex while she was going to college, we really hit it off and dated for 3 years. #1 Listen To What They've Got To Say Unless your ex-partner was an abuser, listen to what they've got to say before deciding how to handle the situation. I cant say for sure, but its time for you to move forward from this person. And if everything else fails, go with your gut feeling when an ex contacts you suddenly. It can be confusing when your ex reaches out after years because you dont know what their motives are. I guess, theoretically, the other person could help you find closure but they don't need to do that, and asking them to do that is a big and (possibly) inappropriate task to put upon an ex. It was important and felt good. Your life will probably look a lot different now to when you were with your ex. And that I kind of think he shouldn't have stayed married if he wanted to pursue polyamory, because of what it did to his wife? Just a comment on the "closure" part of Your post: no you don't. This helps us in two different ways. Do what's best for you. Every relationship ends differently and there is no strict rulebook to follow when it comes to dealing with an ex contacting you years later. She responded back instantly. Katie writes, "Hi Susan! After 6 months of balance to initiation of conversation, she stopped getting in touch. Friendships are funny thingssome of the relationships you think are the deepest are really reflecting more about the intensity of that time in your life, not the genuine depth of the relationship. The next thing you know, youre back in an unhealthy relationship because you were enticed by a moment of weakness. You can either become your exs friend, an acquaintance who talks to an ex once in a while, or you can ask your ex not to reach out and keep moving on. There is no pretentious behavior, and they are comfortable with each other. I didnt reach out to an ex-partner but I reached out to an ex-friend. I assumed she didnt want to contact me and vice-versa. ). Its strange to call your ex to find out if they think the same as them, but it happens because you still feel connected to your ex. IDK how that benefits anyone in the situation. In your mind, it's been a while since you broke up, and in the meantime, it feels like a lot of water has passed under the bridge. When you get a text from an ex, all youre probably thinking about is what they want. Hanging Out With An Ex While In A Relationship. I'm glad we spoke, given how messily and immaturely things had ended. Is there space for them if youre planning on letting your ex back into your life? Your ex probably felt apprehensive about contacting you after so many years, but because your ex was curious about you or needed a favor or something else from you, he or she contacted you anyway. You gave her a chance and she blew it. If one of my exes reached out to me years after the break-up Id know that their personal lives have become a great disappointment and now theyre reevaluating what they foolishly threw away years before. They didnt expect you to be this chirpy so soon. This goes double if you had a true friendship at the center of your bond. And think of yourself first. Many a time, people end a relationship in haste without thinking it through. It is entirely up to you to respond or not. The bottom line is that if youre thinking about starting the relationship again, you must think about it carefully. The next time was about 5 years after that. Thanks to you, I got myself together :)) If you're in the midst of a no contact rule, which includes time frames of 21 days, 30 days, and 45 days, you may be sitting and thinking that you should respond back to your ex. Maybe it is best to let it be. You might be the kind of person who does not stay friends with their exes and the sudden texting might throw you off guard. While you tactfully avoid tapping on the notification, it can throw your whole mojo off-balance. You are following it religiously cutting off all contact with your ex. If you reach 41 weeks (1 week overdue), your provider will do tests to check on the baby. Im not sure if Im doing the right thing. Here are five things to do when your ex reaches out after years. If youre feeling a bit confused and overwhelmed by your ex contacting you, speak to a trusted friend or family member. This isnt the time to look for alternative sources of happiness. Getting an outside opinion from someone can prevent this thing from venturing into the tricky territory of hot-and-cold and help you maintain the blissful life you have been leading since the breakup. He then kept trying to reach out later because he was convinced a cartel was trying to kill him and it was my fault. Yes, I reached out to my first love. Your ex has been in your life for five minutes now and it is not okay to have a lovey-dovey conversation with an ex when your partner is sitting next to you. My ex messaged me after a year. In one job interview, he is asked to name the most significant world event in the last ten years. If the relationship ended bad, let's say cheating involved or constant arguing while together I'd say let it lay and don't bother. But this article is so important and healthy ways for dumpeees. Three times in ten years sounds just like he wants some (very minimal) contact with someone who he spent five years of his life with. Sometimes, the ex comes back with a text to just check in on you. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. I will stay in a chaotic state of mind until I find out what they want after all these days.. He studied at the University of Amsterdam and has a bachelor's in Clinical Psychology. It could mean that your ex received forgiveness, validation, or that he or she eased curiosity. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. I doubt that that's why he would reach out, he's the one who got apologies from me shortly after the breakup (which he did get shortly after, but probably not in the most though through way) thanks for sharing. Sometimes time apart makes your ex realize what they lost when they walked away from your relationship. You might be able to tell perhaps by their tone that your ex is reaching out because they're bored, lonely, or having a tough time moving. So first things first, discern what your ex wants from you and secondly, what you can gain from your ex. I'd done something he considered cheating. To handle an ex coming back with dignity, you should ponder on all the probable scenarios to stay a step ahead of them. Its not helpful, though, to go into any reconnection with too many expectations. "What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but the . So if youre figuring out what to do if an ex contacts you after years, the first thing you should do is figure out how well you have healed., Talking about how texts from her ex ended up wreaking havoc in her life, Rebecca, a teacher from Michigan, shares, My ex got married but still contacts me and my current partner couldnt be angrier about it. I realised after a few weeks that I was the only one initiating again. Now that theyre dealing with issues concerning the things only you know about, theyve got no one else to turn to. If they were unwilling or incapable of giving you closure themselves, reconnecting with an ex after 10 years isnt going to do the trick. The relationship might not be the most exciting in the world, but after several fiery encounters with people who dont accept them for who they are, they realize theyd rather be with someone they can be themselves around. In fairness, you were in your teens when you got together, and they were clueless about relationships. This helps us in two different ways. Ex Royal Marine, 34, who was forced out of the military after he developed tinnitus and hearing loss when 'useless' earplugs 'fell out' during training exercises wins 700,000 payout New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Its . It weighs on me even now (a few months after) but ultimately I didnt know what to say or how to respond. And then he behaved in such a way as if theres nothing to be addressed about how awkward the whole situation is. later: Unfortunately, the knowledge that youre there still pining away for them (whether your are or not) can be just the springboard that they need to feel good about themselves. You should be careful so you dont misinterpret your exs behavior and get mislead and hurt. I had blocked her and all her family on social media so no one could know what I was up to and I could just disappear. No but an ex reached out to me after 15 years to commiserate because hes stuck in a bad marriage and a bald, portly man now. In fact, it can help minimize our own sense of anxiety. What does it mean when an ex contacts you years later? In fact, it can help minimize our own sense of anxiety. My ex owes me money which I want back, nearly $1000 dollars and I have been unable to collect since the pandemic began,I want my money and I am going to reach out for it. He was understanding and glad to know I am happy. Your ex didnt treat you very well when you were together, and to top it off, they dumped you and never looked back. I read it and deleted it without responding. 8 Things To Do When Your Ex Contacts You Years Later, 4. He even tried to call and make the appointment for me. Even if you do respond, make sure you can do so in an indifferent manner, says Jaseena. Why Are My Exs Friends Contacting Me And Being So Nice To Me? Lets not lose sleep over only the unpleasant prospects. Any normal ex would respect the life youve built for yourself and keep it moving. I said I didn't have any expectations of him, but I wanted to take ownership and say "I'm sorry" and took responsibility.